sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
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Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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