Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
