Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
