you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
