I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
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when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
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Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
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