Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
