how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
