im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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