Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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