Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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