I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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