Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
