Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
