my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Drunk is not a location!
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