New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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