he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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