if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
