Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
