Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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