Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
