Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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