I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
