My first STD was from a foam party
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
