the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
