my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
