Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Someone came in the potted fern
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
