New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
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Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
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Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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