true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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