i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
