I will die if light touches me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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