i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
