cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
