I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
