I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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