"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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