filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
