I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
