No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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