I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
