i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
