Your mouth is God's brothel.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
