Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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