He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
