I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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