FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
