I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
