it wasn't lemon gatorade
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I came so hard my ears popped.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
