Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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