took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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