do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
