Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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