I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
