I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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