This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
