I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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