everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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