You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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